


but if you close your eyes

by alnima



Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Established Relationship, Idiots in Love, Louis is difficult, M/M, Minor Zayn Malik/Harry Styles, Nick Grimshaw & Harry Styles Friendship, as always, idiots in general
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-07
Updated: 2014-12-07
Packaged: 2018-02-24 23:23:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2600165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alnima/pseuds/alnima
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The four times Nick tries to tell Louis that he loves him and the one time that Louis lets him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	but if you close your eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Jen for the beta! I really appreciate it! And also, for your kind words, which always boost my ego to dangerously high levels, especially when I need it most, you're the best. Despite her great beta job, all remaining mistakes are my own.
> 
> Title taken from 'Pompeii' by Bastille.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this, it's a bit silly and well, I'll let you be the judge. Warning for a timeline that doesn't match up to real world, but I took the ones I wanted and threw them into my own timeline, so you know, it's fiction, it's all good. 
> 
> The original /tagged/tomlinshaw post that I chose has been deleted, apparently, so I can't link, sorry, but it read 'trying to close someone's eyes like a corpse when you're bored of talking to them'. I took it, but added a twist to it. I also included [this](http://40.media.tumblr.com/f8db03f6ced3db2695d6da4e924d7f20/tumblr_n417is8TEA1rmhvboo1_500.jpg).
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't know or own anyone. This work is my own and it is not featured on any other site, nor does anyone have my permission to repost it in its entirety. Thank you!!!

Nick’s at lunch with Harry when he brings the idea up for the first time, not really the first time, because he’s talked about it with Pig for ages, but it’s the first time that he’s mentioned it to a human that could offer some actual advice on his dilemma. For months he’s been practicing to his dog, hoping that she can give him a few pointers, but all she does is bark at him and bound around in circles, chasing after her tail.

Harry’s no better, he’s got this shit eating grin on his face that’s threatening to spill out of his ears. Nick turns his nose up at him, huffing out in annoyance and taking a prim sip of his water, pinky up and everything.

“If you’re going to just smile then you can leave. You’re of no use to me,” Nick says, brushing at the edge of his blazer, because Harry’s grin is cutting through him like glass.

“Aw, come on,” Harry mumbles, voice slow and thick with excitement. “This is great, you should be smiling.”

Nick is never going to tell him anything again, ever.

“This is stressful,” Nick groans, rubbing at his temples. He’s explained this to Pig so many times, why can’t Harry just know that without him having to explain it?

“You’re telling someone you love them, this is amazing,” Harry cheers, that stupid grin still on his face.

““Do you even know who my boyfriend is?” Nick asks.

“Yes, I know Louis. And Louis is going to be thrilled, I know that he’ll say it back, so why are you scared?”

Nick rolls his eyes, because Harry really doesn’t get it. Louis is soft with him and the other boys, protective, like he’s their older brother, which he is to a certain extent. He’s completely different when he’s with Nick, not afraid to be sharp and short with him, comfortable and confident enough in their relationship to let that side out. Hell, he was comfortable and confident enough to do it well before they even started dating, the two of them always getting into various bickering matches.

It’s still the same most days except Nick gets sex out of the whole thing now, so he’s willing to allow Louis to call him an idiot from time to time.

“How are you going to say it? Like, are you planning something romantic?” Harry asks a far off look in his eyes. He sighs, a softer smile on his face now.

“I don’t know,” Nick says, shrugging. “I figured I’d just tell him.” Harry pulls a face. “What’s wrong with that? Isn’t that the whole point of telling someone that you love them to, you know, just to say it?”

“Well, I guess, but don’t you want to make it memorable?”

“If he doesn’t remember that I love him after I say it, then that’s his own problem. I’m going to say it and if he doesn't like that then, well, I’m sure he’ll tell me how he feels about it.”

“No, I mean. Like, don’t you want do it by being romantic? You can’t just blurt it out like you’re out of dog food or something, it has to be special.”

“All right,” Nick breathes. “What do you recommend?”

“Well,” Harry starts, sitting up a little straighter in his seat and tossing the napkin on his lap onto the table. Nick braces himself. “When Zayn told me, it was so romantic. He’s so romantic, have I ever told you that?”

“Frequently.”

“Yeah, well, Zayn made a really fancy dinner and he sprinkled rose petals everywhere, there were even candles involved. So anyway, I was really mad at him and I don’t remember why,” Harry says, waving his arms around wildly as he tells the story. Nick’s heard this a thousand times, nine hundred of them the first week after it happened, but it’s best to let Harry talk it out, otherwise he’ll start pouting and Nick doesn’t have the energy to deal with it today. “No, wait, actually. I was angry with him because, you know Zayn, he’s so stoic. His emotions are hard for me to read sometimes.”

“And you thought that he didn’t care about you,” Nick says, nodding along, trying to act like he’s not watching the woman behind them make funny faces at her baby while she feeds him.

“Yes, exactly,” Harry says, banging his fist on the table for emphasis. “So anyway, I thought oh no, Zayn doesn’t care about me, so we had a little fight, well a big one, but anyway, we fought. So I went out for a while.”

“Yes, you used my couch while I ran around town and got all the ice cream that I could find.”

Harry pauses and frowns, his eyebrows knitting together. “Hmm, I don’t remember that. I just remember that when I came home there were roses everywhere and candles and Zayn was burning food on the stove and cursing the smoke alarm, so romantic. And then when I accused him of trying to burn the place down, he blurted that he loved me. And you know, that’s romance right there.”

Nick nods, taking another sip of wine. “You know, I think that if my idea fails, then maybe I’ll try yours, but for now, I think that I’ve got this one.”

“Of course you do,” Harry says, nodding as he pulls his phone out of his pocket. “Shit, I didn’t realize it was this late. I have to go, the romance king is waiting for me.”

Nick fights back the urge to roll his eyes. “Tell the king that I said hello, and please try not to tell Louis. Or Zayn, I know they don’t keep secrets, so just-“

“No. No, no. Shh, shh,” Harry says, patting at Nick’s lips. “Your secret is safe with me and next time I see you both, I want to see cute little cupids floating around you, okay?”

Nick stares at his best friend, watching him rush out of the restaurant in haste. He stops and sighs; rubbing at his temples once more, he wonders what he’s going to do with his life.

>><<

“I just don’t understand,” Louis says. “Her vocals are amazing but every week she’s singing these awful songs, they need to have her do something contemporary. I think she’d really benefit from it.”

“Of course she would, love,” Nick says, reaching over to scratch behind Pig’s ear, trying not to be jealous that Louis has a lapful of dog and not a lapful of him. He’d like to lie across Louis’ lap and get stroked behind the ear lazily when Louis isn’t ranting on twitter about how horrible the selections are on X-Factor for the night.

“I know she would, that’s why I’m suggesting it. I have an ear for these things,” Louis says, swatting Nick’s hand away from Pig. “She’s loving on me tonight, find your own.”

Nick looks at him, chewing on his bottom lip and mulling over his options before he slides closer to Louis and adheres to his side, wrapping an arm around his waist and burying his nose in his shoulder. “We’re both loving on you tonight,” Nick says, crinkling his eyes when he smiles obnoxiously at Louis. “Scratch my head as well; give me a massage, darling.”

Louis snorts and elbows him as he reaches between the couch cushions for his phone. “I can’t, I’ve got to update the world on how we’re going to fix her performance next week before it comes back on.”

Nick sighs but watches over Louis’ shoulder as he moves his fingers quickly across the keyboard as he lets the world know his thoughts on the last performance. It sends an odd sort of flutter through Nick’s stomach, this…thing that he’s been feeling for, well, probably months now. It’s annoyingly absurd how the strangest things seem to set him off, make him feel like he’s floating on this pink puffy cloud that’s in the shape of a heart that rains little tiny pictures of Louis Tomlinson.

The first time he realized it, that he’s in love with Louis, it was when he had swallowed a bit of glass by accident at work. He hadn’t told Louis about it, figured they could laugh about it when Nick got home from the hospital, but apparently Louis had been listening in and before Nick could see a doctor, Louis had come barreling in the hospital with messy bed head and still in his pajamas, wrapped in one of Nick’s sweatshirts looking disgruntled and worried at the same time.

Nick’s not sure why he felt it then, but that’s when the annoying fluttering started. That’s when his heart rate picked up to an astronomically high rate, he even had to contact a doctor to make sure that he was all right, that he wouldn’t keel over and die from feeling for Louis Tomlinson.

But here he is now, a month later and he’s still feeling this way, even now, watching as Louis scrolls through his mentions and sees the hoards of girls agreeing with him.

Nick will never tell Louis how fond he is of these tweets, how much he loves seeing Louis try to direct a show from their living room. And he’ll definitely never mention how stupidly, stupidly smitten he feels when Louis talks about the Rovers on twitter, never.

It’s getting out of hand though, which is how Nick knows that it’s time to just tell Louis instead of trying to mull it over in his head.

“Lou,” Nick says, taking a deep breath, hoping it’s enough to prepare himself for this, because this feels right, feels like them. “Louis.”

“What?” Louis grunts back, locking his phone and tossing it somewhere, Nick doesn’t pay attention where. He turns to look at Nick, blue eyes expectant and Nick takes another deep breath, he hasn’t felt this nervous around Louis in ages.

He’s bracing himself for it, but before he can say anything Louis is scrambling up, gently coaxing Pig back down to the floor as he stretches his limbs, arms raised high, exposing a sliver of his stomach. “Louis, I’m trying to talk to you,” Nick says, fighting back the bite of annoyance that Louis is ruining the moment when he should be appreciating it.

“Shh,” Louis mumbles, reaching forward slowly. Nick pulls back slightly, trying to pull his face away from Louis’ hand, because it’s reaching for him and he doesn’t understand why until Louis has two fingers on both of his eyelids, sliding them closed. “Shh.”

When Nick opens them, after the light pressure of Louis touch is gone, it’s to see Louis moving towards the bathroom, probably to take a shower. Pig takes one look at Nick before she’s chasing after Louis, nails clicking along the floor as she goes.

>><<

“How did it go?” Harry whispers quietly, followed by a quiet shuffling. Nick refrains from rolling his eyes and reminding Harry that they’re on the phone, that he doesn’t need to whisper because Louis isn’t going to hear Harry through it even if he wasn’t in the shower, but it’s Harry and it’s best to entertain him.

“It didn’t.”

“What do you mean it didn’t?” Harry asks, his voice picking up slightly before dropping back down. “Did he not say it back?”

“Technically, no,” Nick mumbles but the words are barely out of his mouth before Harry is cursing Louis, shouting obscenities into the phone about how Louis is ungrateful and doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it and rambling about how angry he is, how he’s not going to talk to Louis at rehearsals, just sing around him and give him the cold shoulder. “Harry, Harry stop. I didn’t even say it to him, that’s why he didn’t say it back. Calm down, put the tiger back in the box.”

“Tiger in my box? What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know,” Nick sighs, waving his hand around a bit, listening to Louis sing in the bathroom while Pig scratches at the door. “I just wanted you to stop before you started plotting his murder or something.”

“No,” Harry says, sighing dramatically. “Zayn’d be upset if Louis went missing, I wouldn’t even know what to do with him.”

Nick rubs a hand through his hair, scratches at his scalp and waits for Harry to finish whatever thought process is running through his mind about Zayn getting pouty with him.

“Why didn’t you ask him?”

“I tried,” Nick protests, wincing when he realizes how loud he was. He pauses for a moment, listens to see if there is any lull in Louis’ singing and when he realizes there isn’t, he continues, “I was getting ready to say it and then he just, I don’t even know. He closed my eyes.”

“He closed your eyes?” Harry repeats, frowning and Nick shrugs, because it still doesn’t make any sense to him either.

“Yeah.”

“Did he think you were tired?”

“He shouldn’t have, I wasn’t doing anything to allude to whether or not I was feeling tired,” Nick replies, pulling at the fraying bits on the drawstring of his pajama bottoms.

“Give me the context of how it happened, tell me what you were doing, everything.”

“We were watching television.”

“Oh, what were you watching?” Harry asks and Nick rolls his eyes, because Harry’s not taking this as serious as he would like.

“X-Factor, he was doing that thing he does where he coaches the judges from the couch.”

“Well,” Harry says, huffing out a laugh. “That’s the problem right there. You didn’t even make it romantic. How are you going to tell someone you love them when they’re rambling on about Simon Cowell?”

Nick rolls his eyes because only Harry could go from wanting to blame Louis, wanting to ignore him and not talk to him for a while for Nick’s benefit and then do a complete flip and decide that the blame should really be put on Nick. He’s always jumping sides, never just loyal to one. If he were in Nick’s apartment at the moment, he’d flick him on the nose. “It had nothing to do with Simon Cowell, it’s…cute when he does it, gets all authoritative and huffy, trying to act like he’s a judge from our living room with a lapful of Pig.”

“It’s not romantic, though.”

“But you’re supposed to do it at a time like that, when they make you feel it, not when you’re trying to make them feel it.”

“Grim, you’re trying to tell him like you’re a grandpa and you’ve been together thirty years, it’s only been five months. You have to tell him using the power of seduction.”

“Weren’t you just saying that I needed to be romantic and not seductive?”

“Do it in a romantic way or cry to someone else,” Harry mutters quickly before he hangs up the phone.

Nick looks at his cell with a raised eyebrow until he hears the bathroom door opening, and then he’s tossing it across the room; ready to act like he’s just been lying in bed waiting for Louis and not on the phone with Harry.

>><<

Nick decides to try Harry’s advice the following evening, to do something romantic and stereotypical and completely unlike himself to let Louis know that he loves him so that he can finally say it.

He spent the entire afternoon googling ways to make your apartment romantic for Valentine’s Day, even though it’s not Valentine’s Day. He came up with results that were to be expected, sprinkling rose petals around the house and leading them towards the bedroom, lighting a bunch of candles and dressing in frilly lingerie. He figures that he can do the first two, but to spare the laugh that’d bubble out of Louis’ throat at the sight of him in frilly lace panties and matching bra lying on a bed of rose petals.

He’d like to have a bit of dignity this evening, thank you very much.

So he’s got rose petals sprinkled along his floor and in the bedroom, he had to do another google search to make sure that rose petals were okay for dogs since Pig has taken to eating a few of them, trying her hardest to ruin his evening, he’s sure. He doesn’t take it as a sign that maybe he shouldn’t be doing this; because Harry has been adamant so far that this is the only one to go about this whole ordeal.

He went and borrowed some candles from Harry’s collection, so his entire apartment smells like vanilla cinnamon rolls. He bought chocolates and made little hearts with them on the table Pig can’t reach. Nick even brought out one of his more expensive bottle of wines that he knows Louis loves, and dressed as nice as he can without looking like he’s ready for their wedding.

He’s not trying to get that far in their relationships tonight, just wants to express his feelings, and he thinks it’s the perfect plan. The apartment is dimly lit and smells better than it has in weeks since they adopted Pig, the poor dog’s still learning where she can and cannot go to the bathroom. If Nick were on the receiving end of this, he thinks that he’d give Louis a blowjob. He hopes Louis' reaction is similar, because it’s amazing how lovely their apartment looks, like it fell out of a Valentine’s Day catalogue of love.

But his good mood only lasts so long, because when Louis comes home, he stands in the doorway and looks around cautiously, eyes scanning the room slowly as he gently sets down his phone and jacket.

“Hello, darling,” Nick greets, striding towards Louis so he can press a kiss to his cheek before he guides him further into the apartment, wanting to show off the chocolate heart mass on the table.

Louis eyes the chocolates carefully and clears his throat. “This is um…wow.”

“I know, it’s lovely, isn’t it?” Nick asks, sighing as he glances around the room. “I’m really very thoughtful.”

“Mhm,” Louis says, nodding. “What did you do?”

“What are you talking about?”

“The house, it looks like this,” Louis says, motioning towards the candles and the chocolates and the rose petals. “What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“What did you break?”

Nick scoffs. “Nothing, I’m doing something out of the kindness of my heart for you, is that so hard to believe?”

“What did you forget?”

“Louis, I didn’t break anything, I didn’t mess anything up, and I certainly didn’t forget anything. I just wanted to do something nice, isn’t this nice? Let’s have some wine.”

“All this and you’re trying to get me drunk, hmm… It must have been massive,” Louis remarks, tutting under his breath. He kneels down and cups Pig’s face in his hands, scratching behind her ears and picking his voice up a few octaves. “Pig, my sweet little girl, can you tell me what he did? Hmm? What did he do?”

“I haven’t done anything, honestly,” Nick sighs, shaking his head before he downs his first glass of wine in one go. This was supposed to be celebratory ‘I love you now please have sex with me’ wine but it’s turning into ‘please give me the strength to get through this evening, my boyfriend is a monster’ wine. “I’m ashamed you would even think something like that,” Nick says, pouring another glass for himself.

Louis presses a kiss to Pig’s head, a loud, obnoxious one before he stands up to look at Nick with an eyebrow raised. “So you’re sure that you haven’t done anything?”

“Honestly,” Nick begins to protest, ready to defend his honor before he remembers that there are in fact a few things that he’s done that he’s hiding, nothing major, just a few things. “Well, um.”

“What did you do?” Louis asks, squinting at Nick suspiciously.

“It’s not a big deal, I promise.”

“All right, then tell me,” Louis prompts, placing on his hip and looking at Nick expectantly. “Go on, I’m ready.”

Nick swallows. Louis is going to kill him. “It was a few weeks ago, and it’s. Well, it’s really funny when you think about it, I swear. See, it was like, really early in the morning and I wasn’t really paying attention when I saw that Pig had had a little accident on the floor.”

“Mhm,” Louis says, his eyes narrowing as his hands shift from his hips to fold across his chest. “And?”

“And I had just woken up, wasn’t really thinking straight or paying attention when I grabbed one of your shirts instead of a towel to clean it up,” Nick mutters, biting his lip and trying to smile at Louis, trying to let him know that he’s not a complete monster, just had a little accident of his own.

Louis takes a deep breath and Nick winces, ready for it, for whatever Louis is about the throw at him, whether it’s words or an object, maybe. He’s never done that before, but it could happen. Instead though, Louis is reaching forward and for the briefest of seconds, Nick wonders if Louis is going to slap him but instead he’s closing his eyes like he did last night and shoving at Nick’s shoulder.

“Why do you keep doing that?” Nick groans, swatting at Louis' hands and opening his eyes to look at him.

“Doing what?” Louis asked, feigning innocence.

“Closing my eyes like that when I’m talking to you.”

“Because, Nicholas, people can’t talk when they’re dead,” Louis says, smiling like it makes all the sense in the world and like it’s not a completely creepy statement to make. He pats Nick on the cheek once and then closes his eyes again with two of his fingers and when Nick opens them, he sees that Louis is heading towards their bedroom.

“I’m not dead,” he calls after him. He pinches himself to make sure, and yeah, he’s still alive.

“You’re either dead or I’m going to kill you for using my shirt as a piss rag, pick one,” Louis shouts from inside their bedroom and okay, yeah. Maybe tonight he can go along with Louis’ little eye closing thing and keep his mouth shut about loving him. He kind of did kill the mood, vanilla cinnamon roll aroma or not.

>><<

The following morning, after he’s made Louis the world’s largest breakfast in bed, he heads over to Harry and Zayn’s apartment, because it seems like Harry’s idea has set him on a backwards path, completely ruining everything that he had in mind.

When he gets there, however, ready to tell Harry off for suggesting that he be romantic, it’s Zayn that opens the door, wearing a pair of athletic shorts that look far too big on him and one of Harry’s shirts.

“He’s not here,” Zayn says as way of greeting, shrugging. “He went out with Lou.”

“My Lou?” Nick asks, because Louis didn’t mention any plans. How did he get to Harry before he could?

He must have said all that out loud, because Zayn is shaking his head. “You should know Harry by now, if you haven’t made plans with him you’re not likely to see him, he loves to bounce around,” Zayn says, pulling the door open wider to allow Nick inside. “Louis called about ten minutes ago, said something about killing you and needing help hiding he body.”

“Oh, god,” Nick groans, not waiting for an invitation from Zayn as he strides into his and Harry’s living room and takes a seat on their ridiculously comfortable couch.

“Should you be here right now?” Zayn questions Nick, not sitting next to him. And when Nick raises an eyebrow he adds, “If you and Louis are fighting, I’m sure hanging out with me isn’t going to fix your problems.”

“We’re not fighting, although I admit it does sounds like we are,” he says, huffing out a laugh. “I just needed to talk to Harry about something. He was helping with it and now it’s all gone to shit, thanks to him.”

“I see,” Zayn says, nodding. “Well, you’re free to wait here. I guess, but you should know that he won’t be back until later. I think he’s meeting Niall for dinner.”

“Oh,” Nick says, frowning. “Hmm.” He hadn’t really counted on Harry being a social butterfly today, although he should have known because Harry’s been fucking up his plans this far, why wouldn’t he take it a step further and ruin them some more.

“All right, well you figure out what you’re planning on doing. I’ll be in the bedroom, just lock the door on your way out,” Zayn mumbles, offering Nick a half grin before he turns to leave.

And Nick doesn’t want to just sit in someone else’s apartment by himself when he has something that he needs help with, he’ll get lonely and he’ll end up raiding their liquor cabinet for wine to ease his troubles, because Harry has the best wines. And while that all sounds great, he finds himself shouting out to Zayn, “maybe you could help me.”

Zayn turns slowly; rubbing his face with his hand and looking like he really doesn’t want to, but Nick knows that he will, because Harry would want him to. “I guess it depends on what it is.”

“Well, I’ve been trying to um, tell Louis something and Harry’s been helping me, but his suggestions haven’t really guided me to the answer that I was hoping for, instead it’s kind of taken me further away.”

“Uh huh, well, I don’t know if I can help you unless you tell me what it is you’d like to tell Louis. I’d say context is everything in this case.”

“Right, yeah of course,” Nick says, biting his lip and nodding at him. He wishes Zayn wasn’t standing up and looking at him with that carefully crafted boredexpression of his, the really pretty one that makes the world go crazy. “I just wanted to tell him that I um, you know, like, that I _that_.”

Zayn rolls his eyes. “Mate, if you can’t tell me that you love Louis, then you probably shouldn’t be telling him that, sorry.”

“No, no. I can tell him, I can,” Nick protests. “Wait. How did you know what I was trying to say?”

“Harry’s not the best secret keeper,” Zayn admits, shrugging when Nick tries his best to look scandalized.

“Right, but I do love him, and I’ve been trying to tell him, but it’s not really working. Harry kind of hinted that you’re pretty good at this. I think he called you the King of Romance.”

“Right, well,” Zayn says, a blush creeping up along his cheeks as he coughs out a laugh, trying to hide it. “It was fairly easy to tell him how I felt; I just added touches that I knew he would like. Harry loves that kind of shit, the over the top declarations of everything. Louis doesn’t, that’s probably why your idea went to shit.”

“Yeah, well, believe me, I’ve figured that out the hard way,” Nick mumbles back.

“Just tell him, that’s all you have to do. There’s not a secret trick to Louis, it’s pretty easy to figure out that he doesn’t want some grand gesture, just wants it to be you, so just tell him,” Zayn says, shrugging like it’s obvious and Nick’s an absolute idiot for not having figured it out on his own.

Nick rolls his eyes. “Believe me; I’ve tried that, Malik.”

“Well,” Zayn says, shrugging his shoulders. “Try it again.”

>><<

“Today has been so long,” Louis groans, dropping down on the bed next to Nick. He sighs and shifts around until he’s lying next to Nick, fluffing up his pillow.

“Yeah? Harry keep you busy?” Nick questions, shutting off the TV and rolling onto his side so he can see Louis.

“Of course, like he always does. He just floats around from person to person, always on the move. I think we changed cars three times.”

“People following you?”

“No, he just wanted to spice things up a bit. Kept going back to his house so he could get a different one, he’s so weird,” Louis groans, like he’s annoyed by it but his fond grin is giving him away.

“That’s Harry for you, always trying to keep the paps on their toes.”

“He’s weird,” Louis repeats, yawning. “Where did you go today?”

“What do you mean? I didn’t go anywhere today.”

“Yes you did, liar,” Louis says, reaching forward to poke Nick in the ribs. “Harry and I stopped by to see if you wanted to join us on our wild adventures, but you weren’t home. Poor Pig was all by her lonesome, had to take her out before she had an accident and you used more of my laundry to clean it up.”

“Oh, god, it was an accident. I didn’t mean to. You wake up at four in the morning; you’ll see how everything just kind of blurs together.”

“Hmm, well maybe I’ll test that theory next time she has an accident,” Louis jokes, grinning wickedly when Nick raises an eyebrow. He laughs and hides his face in the pillow until he’s finished, looking back at Nick with a ghost of a smile on his face. “So where did you go?”

“Nowhere special,” Nick says, because if he says that he was with Zayn, even though they were together only briefly then Louis will question him and if he doesn’t get an answer that he wants, he’ll call Zayn and Zayn will spill the beans because he’s a traitor and Nick is never allowed to have secrets, but then again, maybe telling Louis that he was with Zayn could work in his favor, Zayn could tell Louis that Nick loves him and then it’ll all be over with. But he doesn’t want that, not really. “I just had some stuff that I wanted to think about.”

“Yeah, what kind of stuff?” Louis asks, shifting a little closer, pressing one of his legs between Nick’s.

“Us stuff.”

“Hmm, sounds ominous.”

“It is, some really scary stuff,” Nick says quietly, because this is it. He’s going to say it. He is. He’s just going to let the words fall from his mouth, but first he’s going to let Louis ask what kind of scary stuff and then he can say it. He doesn’t want to jump the gun.

But Louis is looking at him curiously, his head tilted to the side as he thinks. He doesn’t ask Nick what kind of scary stuff that he had to think about, but his face doesn’t say that he knows exactly, he just looks… He looks like he’s thinking as well, like he’s trying to figure out what kind of stuff Nick might have had to think about.

Nick sees it coming this time, when Louis leans forward and closes his eyes, he allows it to happen, but he sighs the entire way through it. Waits until Louis is finished before he talks to him. “Louis,” Nick says, opening his eyes to see Louis’ grin before he moves Nick’s arms to wrap around him as he burrows closer. “What are you doing?”

“I’m tired, Nick, we’re going to take a nap.”

“Louis, I’m trying to talk to you.”

“Nick, close your eyes before I do it for you,” Louis warns, nipping at his collarbone before he sighs. Nick knows that his eyes are closing and that it’s his way of saying that the conversation is over.

Nick feels exhausted in a different kind of way, not like he needs a nap, though he could probably use one, but that his mind needs a little break from everything. He feels like someone should have warned him how tiring it can be trying to tell someone that you love them, so exhausting, but then again, it’s probably easier for people that didn’t fall in love with Louis Tomlinson.

>><<

When Nick turns up at Harry and Zayn’s place this time, it’s Harry that opens the door, a wide grin on his face that immediately drops when he takes one look at Nick.

“What happened?” Harry asks, grabbing Nick by the arm and dragging him inside. Nick tries not to make note of the fact that Harry’s in his underwear and Zayn is picking up clothes from the living room clad in only a pair of shorts. He doesn’t want to think about what he might have been interrupting. He hates them and their stupid love.

“Louis Tomlinson happened, he’s stupid,” Nick groans, allowing Harry to guide him towards the couch. He pushes him on it and curls up next to him.

“Zayn, make tea,” Harry calls before he says to Nick, “What happened?”

“I just want to wallow in my own misery for a while, can we do that?” Nick says, because he doesn't want to talk about it. Harry will get optimistic and will tell Nick that it’s not anything to worry about, because Louis is just being his normal difficult self, just overall try to defend the situation from both sides.

Nick’s not even sure why he came here, because he doesn’t actually want company, but he does want someone to pet his hair and tell him how wonderful he is and what an amazing person he is, and Harry is usually good at doing that when someone is upset. He just wants a bit of attention, something that doesn’t involve closing his eyes.

“Do I need to go see if Louis is all right?” Zayn asks, stepping in the way of Nick’s view of the television when he hands him and Harry their mugs of tea.

“He’s fine,” Nick answers, blowing at the steam coming off the top his tea. “He’s out with Liam, they’re writing.”

“Liam?” Zayn asks, raising an eyebrow. “He doesn’t usually go to see Liam after you fought, so what happened?”

“We didn’t fight,” Nick defends; both Harry and Zayn fix him with a look. “We didn’t, we’re not fighting. I’m just. We’re fine.”

“Right,” Zayn says, nodding. “Well, I’ll leave you to do whatever it is you’re going to do.” He leans down and presses a kiss to Harry’s cheek before he makes to leave and when he gets down the hallway, Nick hears him call back, “and put a pillow on his lap before you put your head on it.”

Harry giggles and grabs one of the pillows, shoving it over himself. “Do you need me to pet your hair?”

“God, please,” Nick mutters, setting his tea down on the table and sprawling out on the couch. He tries not to sigh when Harry’s fingers make contact with his scalp, because this is exactly what he needs. “Am I good person?”

“The best person,” Harry corrects and Nick nods in satisfaction.

“Tell me what else I am.”

>><<

It feels like a last ditch effort, like he’s on the brink of desperation when he comes up with a final ploy to get Louis to talk to him without closing his eyes. Really, he shouldn’t have to think of ways to get his boyfriend to listen to him, but the fact of the matter is that he does, at least in this instance. He still can’t figure out why Louis keeps doing it, the reason seems important, but Nick doesn’t understand it. It’s one of those weird Louis behaviors that he doesn’t understand, like how he was unnecessarily cruel to Nick for the longest time to try and tell Nick that he had feelings for him.

Since talking hasn’t worked, Nick decides that he’s going to write Louis a note. It’s not a love letter, doesn’t mention his feelings for Louis and what he wants to tell him, it just asks him a simple question. He spares the bits where he tells Louis to circle yes or no, because he doesn’t want this to come off as juvenile, he wants Louis to take this seriously.

Nick finds Louis sitting on the couch watching television and he moves carefully and drops the note that reads _can we talk about something important without you closing my eyes?_ into Louis’ lap and sits down on the couch next to him, watching closely as Louis reads the paper with a blank expression on his face.

Louis looks at it for a moment, his eyes never leaving the paper before he gets up and heads over towards the little desk that they have in the corner. His back is to Nick, so Nick can’t see what he’s doing but he hears as he fumbles around in the drawers for a moment before it gets silent.

He waits patiently, his palms sweating as he chews on his fingernails, just wanting something to do, because he’s so nervous and he doesn’t even know why. The worst Louis could say is say no, which isn’t really the worst thing he could do because Nick could easily just tell Louis as he’s closing his eyes, but he’d like to see his face is the thing. It’s a really lovely face, one of the best faces, really, when he’s not angry with Nick, at least.

When Louis is finished at the desk, he turns around and raises an eyebrow at Nick before he leaves the room without a word. Nick watches him go before he scrambles up and rushes towards the desk, tripping over Pig as she jumps up and chases after him, unsure of why they’re running but happy to join.

It’s such a Louis thing to do that when Nick first glances at the piece of paper he assumes that his eyes are playing tricks on him, because there is no way that Louis would white out the question that Nick wrote to make the paper look completely blank. It’s not. There’s just no way that Louis would do something like this when Nick had even mentioned that the topic was serious. It could have been about anything, about Nick’s health or how he got fired from his job, anything and Louis just dismissed it like it’s nothing.

He grabs a pen and writes out, _you can’t just white out a question that you don’t want to answer._ It feels a bit like a slap in the face, actually a lot like a slap in the face, like maybe Louis knows what’s troubling Nick and he doesn’t want anything to do with it.

Nick leaves the paper on the desk but grabs his coat on his way out; he needs some air, needs a bit of space, and needs to think about what happened between them that made Louis not want to hear that Nick loves him.

>><<

Nick ends up in the park that he likes to walk Pig early in the morning, sitting on a bench and staring at the darkened path in front of him. It’s pitch black between the trees and he tries his hardest to use his brain for identifying what’s between the trees instead of focusing on what’s happened with Louis and how wasteful the last couple days have been.

He’s not even sure if he should feel any kind of way about the whole thing. Maybe disappointed? Angry? Hurt? Slightly betrayed? He’s not sure, he just feels… It feels like his chest has been torn up a bit, like if the wind blows the wrong way he might just break down and cry.

The sound of crunching gravel tears his eyes away from the trees and he glances to his right to see a tall figure approaching, and he’s not surprised when it’s Harry, because he did text him and, well, he didn’t beg, but he kind of did.

“You all right, Grim?” Harry asks, sliding down next to him, crossing his knobby legs and looking at Nick.

Nick sighs, because it’s the dramatic thing that someone should do in a time like this. “I don’t think it’s the right time to tell Louis how I feel about him,” he says, smiling reassuringly when Harry looks at him sadly. “There have been signs; I’ve just been ignoring them.”

“What kind of signs?” Harry asks, skeptically.

“You know, like how Louis just shuts my eyes and doesn’t let me talk to him. Tonight I wrote him a note, asked if we could talk about something important and he used white out to get rid of the question,” Nick mutters, shaking his head. “It’s all signs, and maybe they’re saying that Louis doesn’t feel the same way, so I should save myself the embarrassment and not say anything to him.”

“Those aren’t signs,” Harry protests, shaking his head at Nick, like he’s being ridiculous. “Signs are like things some otherworldly being tells you, not your boyfriend. He’s being an ass, that’s not a sign of anything other than he needs a good kick in the butt.”

“A kick in the butt,” Nick repeats, snorting. “He doesn’t need a kick in the butt; I just needed a cool dose of reality.”

“And the reality is that you love him and you want to share your feelings, and I think he loves you too, he’s just being Louis.”

“He’s being an idiot,” Nick mumbles.

“Exactly, and that’s kind of the same thing, if you think about it,” Harry shrugs, sighing and dropping his head down on Nick’s shoulder. “If he’s making you feel bad, then you should tell him.”

“I think it’s best that I just avoid it,” Nick says, sighing and resting his head on Harry’s.

Harry doesn’t respond, just shifts around until he can get his arms around Nick and pull him into a hug. He tries to tug Nick onto his lap, but Nick fights him on it, insists that he’s not a child, but when Harry cards his fingers through his hair, he figures that they’re both winning in this situation.

He needs to get home soon, though, because Louis will be wondering where he is, or maybe he won’t. Nick’s not really sure of anything anymore, least of all the things surrounding Louis.

>><<

Nick’s lying on the couch when Louis enters the living room; he’s got Pig lying between his legs while some reality show plays in the background. He’s not even sure what it is, but there’s a woman yelling and throwing things and it’s mindless enough that he can stare at the television without having to worry about missing something, because he’s not really paying attention to it anyway.

Louis is fresh out of the shower, his hair still damp when he drops off the back of the couch and lands with a thud on top of Nick. He shimmies down until he’s wedged between Nick’s side and the back of the couch, mindful of the sleeping dog at their ankles.

“What are you watching?” Louis asks, fingers dragging along Nick’s chest.

“I don’t know, not really paying attention to it,” Nick mumbles, turning his head away from the television to stare up at the ceiling. He can feel Louis’ eyes tracking his movements, but he’s not really interested in trying to assure him that he’s okay like he did with Harry.

“Hey, you all right?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Are you sure? Seems like there’s some stuff bothering you,” Louis says, digging his bony chin into Nick’s sternum as he tries to look at him. The angle must be horribly unflattering for Nick, and it makes him squirm a bit until Louis is tucked back against his side. “Nick?”

“Louis, I’m fine, just let it go,” Nick says quietly, turning back towards the television. It’s not a big deal that he can’t tell Louis what’s really bothering him, and it’s not a big deal that he’s even upset to begin with. Yeah, a lot of things are bothering him, and yeah, Louis could definitely fix everything that’s wrong with him, but he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to dump that on Louis, he just wants to be able to wallow for a while.

Nick wants to lie on his couch with his dog and his boyfriend watching shitty television until he falls asleep and forces Louis to drag him to the bedroom. He doesn’t want to spend any time talking, just lying here and then lying in bed. That’s all he wants, but naturally, Louis won’t have that.

“You know, Harry’s not really the person that should be trusted when it comes to certain things,” Louis mumbles and that catches Nick’s attention.

“What do you mean?” He asks, not wanting to sound too excited to hear this, but also not wanting to sound completely uninterested.

“I just mean, if you have something important that you don’t want other people knowing, then you shouldn’t tell him, especially when it’s something that gets him excited,” Louis says, raising an eyebrow when Nick rolls over to look at him. “He’s kind of got a big mouth.”

Nick releases a deep breath and feels his heart sputter a bit, a lull in the beating that leaves him breathless. Louis smiles at him, the corners of his mouth raised just slightly before he shrugs.

“Sometimes the things that excite Harry scare other people,” Louis says when Nick doesn’t answer. “And it doesn’t scare you because it doesn't excite you, too. It scares you because you’re not sure what that means, because sometimes it takes things off in a different direction that you’re not sure about. It’ll change everything and that’s scary to think about.”

“Would it change everything, though?” Nick asks, rolling onto his side so that he’s facing Louis. It’s a tight fit, and they’re pressed close together but he doesn’t mind.

Louis shrugs. “It wouldn’t, no. And it doesn’t have to, but sometimes you’re worried that it might when Harry first tells you, because you’re happy with the way things are and you don’t want them to change.”

“Just so I’m clear, when you say you, you mean you, right? Not me?”

“Yes, Nick,” Louis says, rolling his eyes.

“That’s what I thought,” he mumbles, nodding his head. “Are you still scared?”

“A little bit, yeah.” Nick sighs and nods his head, resigned to the fact that he still can’t tell Louis that he loves him, worried about what it means that Louis is scared to hear it, because Nick doesn’t know what would change between them besides having a new sentence that they could say to each other. “But, you know, I think that I’m ready.”

“Yeah?” Nick asks, raising an eyebrow at Louis. Louis nods and Nick’s stomach flutters, because… “I love you.”

Louis grins and it’s blinding, because it’s so beautiful, and maybe because Nick feels a little light headed now that he’s finally said it, like some of the air is missing in his lungs, and the knots in his stomach have been replaced with new knots, knots that are worried whether Louis is going to say it back or not.

“And I love you,” Louis says, pinching Nick in the ribs. “Who would have thought?”

“Not me,” Nick mumbles, trying not to let out a huge sigh of relief, because holy shit that was easy. It shouldn’t have been this hard, but now he feels weightless, like he’s on a cloud floating around the world. It’s the craziest feeling that he’s ever had, he wonders how Louis feels, if his heart is racing or if he’s wondering what’s next.

Nick’s not sure what Louis is thinking, but he is sure that Louis fingers are on his eyelids again, closing them slowly and Nick groans.

“Oh, god, why did you do that for this time?” Nick asks, blinking his eyes open and glaring at Louis.

“Because,” Louis says, sitting up and straddling Nick’s lap, “You needed your eyes closed so I could kiss you.”

“Oh,” Nick says. “I can do that for you.”

And this time when Nick’s eyes close, it’s his own doing and Louis’ lips pressed against his follow it.

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my [tumblr](http://www.alnimawrites.tumblr.com) if you want to yell at me about this or anything :).


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